One step forward…

Yesterday morning started with more vomiting. 

This morning started equally nauseous. But I had things to do.  I took the girls to the groomers. That was exhausting. My initial reaction when the groomer asked if I was ok was no, because of how I felt, but I explained I’m done with treatment and am healing.

Then I went for a fasting blood draw at my doctor’s office for a scheduled appointment next month. My last with her before she retires. Sob. I was a wreck. The phlebotomist was so kind and gentle. I can’t use my left arm with the good vein anymore. I’m just so emotional and weepy.

After that I went to get some mint tea that tasted terrible. My tastebuds are still so off. I’d brought a banana to eat. I was supposed to have PT two hours later, but didn’t want to drive home (even though it’s not that far). I parked in a nearby lot and while talking with Jill decided to go home and cancel my appointment. I’ve vomited in front of this woman, so I was feeling pretty bad.

I came home, took an anti nausea med, canceled my appointment and laid down. I slept for three hours, which I never do during the day. When I got up, I had some chicken noodle soup and sat for a while before going to pick up the dogs.

The groomer had made me a goodie basket and the techs helped me get the dogs in the car. We came home and I’ve been back in bed. I’m going to take more anti nausea and see if I can eat something later. I can’t get better without food.

March 24

Basically one month ago I started to get sick from a chemo side effect, just after my third treatment. I’m starting my fifth week of battling with that issue and then side effects from a medication for the side effect. It has been hard and miserable. I vomited six consecutive days (after having no nausea before). Last week I went in for fluids twice, saw the oncology nurse practitioner and a surgeon (about the side effect and related side effects). I looked so “haggard” the first day of fluids, a nurse told me the second day that she had prayed for me the night before. Thankfully, the fluids were a huge help and the surgeon shouldn’t be necessary. They called to schedule my port removal for Wednesday, but I didn’t think my body would be ready, so it’s been scheduled for May 15. Fingers crossed y’all. 

I can keep food down now, but I’m still fatigued (I guess I expected some fuel would power up my body faster), and I still have some internal issues to contend with. I’m trying to do everything I can to heal. If you pray, can you please include the healing of my body on your list?

An update

This week has been hard. I’ve had a continued medical issue for three weeks. I’ve vomited yesterday and today. Eating is confusing and hard. 

Thankfully the bone pain continues to be minimal for a second session. The first two times I needed meds every three or four hours to keep the pain under control. The neuropathy pings on occasion, but is also not too difficult to manage. My eyes need extra care for dryness. 

It’s hard feeling bad 100% of the time. I can only vaguely remember feeling really good after those first two sessions passed. It’s hard to be hopeful. I don’t know how people with chronic illness do it. 

I know it will get better, but expect it to be a few more weeks. It may include the involvement of a non-cancer doctor. My body is tired. My brain is tired. Everything is hard and I’m feeling broken. 

Stacy

 

My niece Stacy came in for my last chemo and to be with me when I rang the bell (tradition when you finish treatment).

I don’t often feel my mom around me. Today I wore one of her shirts and the ring I had made of her thumbprint. 

I can’t say I felt my mom was with me, but Stacy was and that meant the world to me. 

It was important to me to ring the bell in honor of mom and for me making it through and with the hope it closes the door on cancer for all the young women in my family. 

Stacy thank you for coming. I love you. 

A full update from chemo day

I had questions, Dr. Lang had answers!

I can have the port removed in three weeks! I just need to make an appointment with Dr. Elmi (mastectomy surgeon).

I will have follow-up visits every three months where they will draw blood for testing. 

I am considered “Ned,” meaning no evidence of disease. It’s similar to remission, but not. 

The fatigue, neuropathy and bone pain will linger two months. 

My immune system will be better in one month. I need to mask in public and not be around anyone who is sick or have sick family members. 

I should not have any problems with lymphedema and can travel without restrictions. 

I can have sushi and a bagel with lox in three weeks!

My current risk of recurrence is 5%! (Did I bury the lede?)

I rang the bell!

 

More PT

While I still struggle with one medical issue, I did have PT today. Which for me is more massage right now. It feels great. I wish it was more than once a week, but it’s just a slow process. 

Tomorrow is final chemo! I am ready to be done, but also afraid of how I’ll feel the next few weeks (based on these last three weeks).  🤞

Things to know about Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) per Chat GPT:

For triple negative breast cancer (TNBC), doctors are typically cautious about using the word “cured”—but here’s how they often frame it:

• TNBC has a higher risk of recurrence within the first three to five years, especially the first two.
• If you remain cancer-free beyond five years, the likelihood of recurrence drops significantly, and some oncologists may use the term “cured” informally at that point.
• Officially, most will say you’re in “remission” or “no evidence of disease” (NED), rather than cured.
• Long-term follow-up is still important, even after five years.

PT

I went in for my PT assessment today. 

The therapist said my dog ears feel like stones. I was like “Yes!” It was reassuring to hear a professional say that. She said with massages, laser and other techniques they should be able to break up the scar tissue. I have once weekly appointments for 12 weeks. It may not take that long. They sent me home with a couple exercises and recommended continued use of a heating pad. It’s crazy how fatigued my arms are from that session. 

A lovely lady sat next to me in the waiting room and said that her hair did exactly what mine is. Falling out on top, but not the back. I don’t even know that was happening until Vangie asked if I’d been trimming my hair. She had a very cute pixie cut that she said was three months long. Gave me hope!

Finally, PT!!

It’s taken six weeks, but I finally have PT scheduled for Thursday!!

Ok, this may make you roll your eyes, but I had an epiphany today. You know why I’m having so many issues this chemo time? BECAUSE I’VE HAD CHEMO!!!

I know, I know. Some of you have actually said this to me. Some maybe multiple times. But something Linda said to me today just triggered the lightbulb. 

I have been feeling so many emotions. SO MANY. But I’ve also been feeling like I haven’t done everything I could to take care of myself. That I have failed my body somehow. 

That’s obviously the reason. Not the whole poison-pumping-through-my-body thing. That maybe I could’ve done everything perfectly and, oh maybe, the chemo was/is stronger than me. 

Look at my brain working and everything. I must be starting to get better. Still worried about some body issues, but it’s a start. 

Where have I been?

The last 10-ish days have been some of the worst health-related days of my life. To be honest, I don’t know what I would do if I had to do more than “just” one more session. 

Early on, I told people, “I’m ok now, but I expect I’ll need help later.” Little did I know. I sent out an SOS message and my friends have rallied. Yesterday I had six people here cleaning, working in my yard and taking care of me. Today, two more. Tomorrow, two more are expected. And a calendar has been built to check in on me. Help me get the right food. Keep the house clean. So much coordination so fast. 

I am on a liquid diet right now. I don’t know yet if it’s working. I’ve cried from pain every day for a week. My sleep is terrible. So many wake ups. Bad dreams. It’s all restless. 

I’ve been thinking so much about my friend Lori, who died from cancer 10 years ago at age 50. She’d had chemo before. She was hesitant to go through it again. She followed a snake oil plan and when she changed her mind, traditional medicine couldn’t save her. I would get so angry at her when I’d think about it. She died the month before mom. And that broke mom’s heart. I was angry she didn’t fight. But now, I get it. She was in my life for such a short period of time, but she made a big impact.

Last week I went to soak in Alison’s bathtub. I cried for Lori. I cried for me. I felt like something inside me broke. When Lori’s cancer came back she shunned those of us who would’ve been against the snake oil path she took. I remember the last time I saw her vividly thinking, “Oh, she’s dying.” Then she left town without a goodbye and we never spoke again. 

I’m just seeing this as I write this. I’m choosing a different path from Lori. I’ve rallied my friends. I’ve told them I can’t do this without them. That, yes, I really want to quit (yes, I know it’s only one more treatment), but I won’t. I want to give myself the best chance possible to live as long as I can. 

And when this is done, I’m going to say YES. Yes to life and all it brings. Wanna go…YES. Wanna do…YES. 

Just know if I’m quiet it’s because I’m hurting. And hopefully healing. Thank you friends for helping me make it through. 

Hard week

This has been a really hard week. I don’t really want to talk about what I’m experiencing, but it’s been difficult and painful. This morning I woke up with a big red sore on my eye. It’s been frustrating and disheartening. I feel weak and it’s been emotionally trying.

Yes, I know, “but only one more time.” But it’s hard in this moment and also fearing just what the last time will be like. 

Rough night

I had a hard night. Not much sleep. My bowels are wreaking havoc and my body is so tired this time. 

Monday

I am still very tired. I didn’t sleep well last night, I’m guessing because of yesterday’s nap. My body feels very heavy. This morning I felt like I had straw in my nose. My head hurt last night, but I’ve had very little bone pain today. A tweak here and there, but nothing like before. Ditto my finger tips. 

My chest feels tight and my dog ears are bothering me quite a bit. I hope I hear back about PT or massage soon. (Paperwork issues.)

Sunday

I’m doing ok. Tired. Haven’t needed to take anything for the bone pain today. 

I’m so dry I feel like I have dust everywhere. Like hay might come out my ears. Everything smells and tastes dusty. 

My body feels heavy. My finger tips continue to hurt on and off. My chest feels tight. I can feel my port. I don’t like that.