It’s like the minute I tell someone I’m feeling better or someone hears my voice and tells me how great I sound, my body revolts. It’s very frustrating having never been through something lasting this long.
When this started, I thought I’d be ready to go back to work by May 10 (one month post final treatment). Really, the oncologist made it sound so simple and relatively easy. By the time I got the “every body reacts differently” speech, I was feeling rock bottom.
I am not there. Mentally or physically. I’m still crying a lot. My therapist says it’s my body releasing everything I’ve been holding in as I didn’t have a lot of time to process from diagnosis to surgery to treatment to being sick. Oh, in addition to my doctor (since 1989) retiring next month, Saturday was possibly my last session with my therapist because she’s leaving the company Frost offers and my insurance isn’t open to new providers right now. So apparently there’s some grieving going on too. You know, in addition to the cancer and losing The Rack.
It’s hard every time someone tells me, “you’re so strong” as I go through this. I don’t feel strong. I don’t have a choice. This is happening. I have to go through it. I feel weak. And whiney. I feel like I complain all the time. I’m in a place where I don’t feel like I have much to offer my friends. I’m tired. I don’t know how I can make myself get better faster. I’m so ready.
You are going through so much. That sucks about the therapist leaving, too!! Noooo! I hope she made a recommendation or you can find someone to continue helping you process through this. I'll continue praying. And we say this at our church in one of the Bible Studies I used to be in - there are times we need to be "fed" (by the Word, spiritually, by friends and family, etc.) And there are times we "feed" others in our giving of our time and talents, etc... right now, you are offering us a rare glimpse into this ordeal, but even more so, you are giving us opportunity to pray over you and provide for you when you need it most. And that is what friends are for. There will be time for other stuff another time but it's okay to do the self-care and accept care that you need most right now. Sending hugs, dear friend!
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All that you are going through is totally difficult, not to mention it really sucks. Your frustration and and exhaustion, of everything, is where you are at the moment. It will change, you will get better. Be good to yourself and know that you’re doing all you can and that is more than ok. Love you tons Susan!
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