Today

Has gone well. I had a headache this morning, but some Tylenol took care of it. I also went back to Start for my shot. I’ve been tired, I think because I haven’t slept well for several nights because of the steroids. It was a busy day at work.Yeah, that’s all I’ve got tonight. 

Oh, and I’m halfway done!

Just looking at my insurance claims:

Chemo - $1,768.86

Neulasta- $4,879.80

I’ve already met my deductible for the year, so it’s all covered. Even my oncologist co-pay. 

I’m home!

Had a good visit with Dr. Lang before chemo today. She says my side effects should be similar to the first treatment or even easier! 😮🤞 I’m praying that’s the outcome. I can handle a similar week-ish of symptoms. (Although I will whine about it the whole time.) Hopefully the mouth of death will be better! 

I’ve ordered a larger heating pad for the neulasta pain and now have a better schedule for alternating Tylenol and Advil. 

The chemo session itself is relatively uneventful. Today my hands hurt much worse than last time, but the ice gloves were gel this time instead of a block like last time. So they were easier to move. I’m hoping it helps limit the neuropathy and that it doesn’t spread. A woman sitting with her mom shared that her husband uses a spray-on magnesium that relieves his neuropathy, so I’ll be ordering some of that. 

I’ve got five more days of veg eating. Debbi (who was my driver and caretaker today) brought me an Asian stir fry I’ll have now. I’ll pick up my groceries later and make a veggie soup. Good thing I look soup. 

Chemo #2

 

Staff meeting

We had a staff meeting today. Not one of the eight other people said one thing about my bald head. 

Edited to add, one person texted me after: “Good to see you on the screen today! Owning it. Good luck with your chemo appt tomorrow!”

Pathology report

I went to Ulta and Whole Foods this morning to pick up a few things and then to HEB to get my grocery order. 

The young women who waited on me had a hard time looking me in the eye. But I can give them grace because they’re still learning how to do hard things. It’s also ok because I know I look badass.

I’m back on the veggie regimen, so I’m going to make a pot of soup today. 

I read through the pathology report on Friday. Again seeing how lucky I am it was caught when it was. If only I could thank that first radiologist who thought, “Hmmm…” I also learned the weight of The Rack. One was 3 lbs and the other was 3.3 lbs. 

So I did a thing

 

Today

 

*Not* sick

I used the word yesterday and didn't like it then, so I need to clarify that I don’t think of myself as sick. I’m not sick. I also don’t think I have cancer. I believe they got it all. And what I’m going through is just what I need to do to add years to my life. 

My perception is that other people will think I am sick when they see me bald. And that makes me feel vulnerable. 

I also had a bald theme roll through my head this morning that I can’t remember now. Something like Making Bald Bold. Bald Badass. A mantra of sorts. 

So, my hair

I’ve not been talking about it because, well, I know it’s hair related, but my head has started to hurt. It’s kind of like a headache, but not. And today, every time I run my hand through my hair, some comes out. (I know, quit doing that!)

Today is Day 12 post first chemo. “Two or three weeks” seems to be the average per Dr. Google of when hair starts to fall out. 

I read some threads in the group I belong to on FB. Losing your hair is a big deal to everyone. I thought I’d be no big deal about it, but I’m not. 

Part of me thinks the waiting is the hardest part about all of this and I should just shave it now. Part of me wants to hold on to it as long as I can because I know it will be a couple years before it’s this long again. 

I am not looking forward to how I will look. I don’t think I will look cute like a lot do. And now everyone who sees me will know I’m sick. The idea makes me feel more vulnerable in public.  

I feel like when the hair goes, the real grief and mourning about all this will begin. That the reminder of what is really happening will be my face in every mirror. That how well I’ve been handling this will all fall apart. 

“It’s not enough to survive: You have to live.”

I finished my Bridget Jones binge today with “Mad About the Boy.” I enjoyed my walk down memory lane. While sadder than the original three, I found the new movie was still sweet and hopeful. There was one scene that choked me up a little bit. It’s not enough to survive: You have to live. Obviously, I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. What does my life mean? What is my legacy? What am I doing to really live life? 

I’m not a good cook. I’m just not. I can follow a recipe exactly and it’ll be just ok. I made potato salad today since I’ve been craving it. I was hoping I could taste it. I winged it and used a little too much vinegar (forgot I was sizing down from the recipe). I was impatient and ate it warm. It tasted so good. I hope tomorrow it will be even better. I’d definitely make it again.

Yummy potato salad

Sunday

Original titles, huh?

So I continue to be relatively pain free. What a difference that makes in how one feels. 

I do still get twitches on my chest. Lots of nerve damage there that can take a year to heal. I have a lump on the left side that’s bothering me, so I’ve been trying to gently massage it. It’s about the size of the port. 

I’ve started to get nose bleeds, so I set up a humidifier yesterday. Hopefully that will help. I’m not sure what to set it at though. Hopefully it will help my skin too. 

Yes, my mouth still tastes like death. 

I’m doing brunch today with a couple of the Divas. It’ll be nice to get out and see some folks. Boredom and loneliness are a real deal. 

Saturday

The neulasta pain has finally abated. Yay!

My mouth still tastes like crap. I did have a bean and cheese with bacon taco that gave me hints of flavor, so maybe the taste buds will come back before the next session. 

I bought supplies to make potato salad (I’ve been craving it, so fingers crossed I can taste it), plus stuff for a turkey meatball wedding soup like soup. Yay for HEB curbside. 

I also grabbed some dog food and breath chews because Millie’s breath is worse than mine. 

I’m working my way through the Bridget Jones movies before I watch the new one. The third one is tomorrow. Thank goodness for TV or I’d be going bananas. 

I was able to read for the first time this year. The “Connie” biography. I’m sure I knew this, but last night was flabbergasted that she’s married to Maury Povich!

Friday

Something has died in my mouth. You know how when you have drainage and everything tastes bad? That’s where I am. 

I was so excited last night. I made some chili since it’s cold. Put some meat in. Took a Pepcid. Smelled so good. Tasted bleh. At least I’ll get some good protein with meat and beans. 

I’ve had to change my dental routine to a gentle toothpaste and mouthwash. That’s to help prevent mouth sores (the wash the other day worked). But even the roof of my mouth feels like it has a different texture to it. 

Thursday

I was hoping the neulasta side effects would be wearing off by now, but last night was the worst night so far. I woke myself up moaning. Even with Advil, Tylenol and the bed on zero gravity my body just hurt. If this keeps up, I’m going to be taking 3am hot showers. 

New

Yay. A mouth sore that feels kinda large.  Hopefully a salt and baking soda rinse will help keep it from going too crazy. 

Orange tongue

One thing I’ve not mentioned is the funny taste I have. Because it’s not been “ugly” yet. Just odd. Sometimes sweet. Sometimes salty. I noticed this morning my tongue is orange. One thing I’ve read about is how things taste different and so far that tracks. 

I’m home

I’m sure it wasn’t to the degree that I felt it, but everyone did the boob check. Yep, they’re gone. 

It was pleasant to see everyone, but I’m not ready to be back full time. I’m physically uncomfortable and it was definitely exacerbated being in public. 

Tuesday

So, I’m working. Everyone is excited to see me online and are happy that I feel well enough to work. Except I hurt and I’m not happy. But what am I gonna do?

Monday

Whew. I’m tired. And achy. The steroids really make a difference. 

I worked half a day. Still sorting through what’s going on, but feeling close to up to speed with things. 

I’m going into the office tomorrow after our Tuesday morning meeting. Mornings are already hard for me and this weird sleep pattern isn’t helping. I’m not napping, but I also have restless sleep. 

I have to print out some documents and take them to Start for my intermittent FMLA. It will be weird to be there (I haven’t been in the office since before Christmas because of vacation and then surgery). I’m sure it will be fine. 

The bone pain continues. Sometimes it’s an ache. Sometimes it’s a stabbing. I’ve not taken anything for seven hours, so it’s hurting right now. 

All things considered, it’s gone well. No nausea yet. I attribute that to the clean diet. But, man am I craving a tuna fish sandwich. Tomorrow I move out of the nine day diet window, so that may be lunch! Whoo!

Sunday

Neuropathy in my finger tips started last night. I thought it would be like when your foot or hand falls asleep and gets all tingly when you start to move. It’s more painful for that. And hasn’t gone away. 

My bones started aching during the night too. Mostly my shoulders. 

I did sleep well though. I was up in the 7am hour to let the dogs out and take something. I fell back asleep for several hours. 

I’ve eaten and am having what I would call stomach cramps more than nausea, so we’ll see. 

I’m definitely more tired today, but my goal is to stay awake. 

Saturday

Last night wasn’t bad. I felt flush and did a temperature check. It was fine, so I did a wet washcloth and Tylenol, and that worked. 

My arms and chest woke me up a lot and I know I took an Advil at some point. I’m not sleeping well. Even my usual sleep stories aren’t helping. 

I’m feeling ok right now. Cooked up some eggs, spinach and mushrooms so that’s just heatable. Had a first bowl with an avocado. 

Got the sheets off my bed to wash. Nancy and Kathy will be by today, so they can help me make the bed. 

Dona and Mel are coming by too. He’s going to snip a few branches for me. 

I feel ok. Not too tired. They warned it’ll be later this afternoon when I may feel the side effects. It’s weird because do I take the meds preemptively or do I wait? I’m waiting this time. Then next time I’ll know. 

Pippa was up in my face earlier, really smelling my breath. She did that a lot when I came home after the surgery. But then stopped, so maybe she’s my indicator light. 😉

Neulasta done

Got my Neulasta shot near my belly button. It helps boost white blood cells in your bone marrow, which fights off infection. It can cause bone and joint pain. They encourage you to take Claritin and Tylenol if you need it. 

I’m still feeling ok, if a little more tired today. Worked from 8-3, so that was pretty good. Talked with my boss and a couple of colleagues. Got through my emails. Good starter day.

Oh, the cold mittens and booties are worn to help with neuropathy. 

One done!

I am super hopped up on more steroids, so I am feeling great!

It was easy and uneventful. Even the cold mittens and booties were bearable. 

Elsa was the perfect person to be with me. A great distraction. I’m so glad she was there. 

We checked in at 10:20am and left about 2:15pm. Everyone is so kind. Generous with answering questions. And guess what? My sense of humor came back in the nick of time!

My next treatment dates are:

Feb. 27

March 20

April 10

I go tomorrow at 3:20pm for the Neulasta shot.

I’m planning on working most of the day. I will meet with my boss and can at least get through my emails and such. 

Cold mitts for my hands and feet

 

Here we go!

 

Ready or not…

I feel ready. I’ve been eating veggies, eggs, potatoes, beans and such for four days now. 

My meds are labeled clearly and I’ve written how often I can take them. I started a low dose of steroids today and will take them till Friday. Three days each session. 

I feel strong and capable. I may not tomorrow, but tonight is loads better than the night before the mastectomy. 

I’ve read and feel semi educated about what to expect. I went to HEB and the library today. I saw a car that had written in shoe polish, “Let go. Let God.” I appreciated the reminder. 

Pippa and Millie: The Ultimate Babysitters

 

How Am I?

Pretty good, actually.

Elsa treated me to a manicure today, while Debbi was my Designated Driver. It was nice to be out of the house doing something normal.

My mood has evened out. Maybe I’ve accepted I can’t control what’s coming? Or I feel a little more in control being able to prepare meals, get laundry done, things like that so I can be as ready as I can be? Or it’s the calm before the storm? I was absolutely beside myself before the mastectomy. I didn’t sleep but a few hours the night before. I had to keep reminding myself it wasn’t elective surgery. Because I really wanted to shout, “Stop! I’ve changed my mind."

I picked up groceries and prescriptions today. I figure I can get things in order the next two days. Cook some things. Make sure I know which meds are for what and write out a clear schedule. There’s so much crossover I think I’ll need to keep track so I don’t take too much of any one thing. The problem with cooking multiple things now is keeping it edible till I need it. 

I am still peeling from where I reacted to the tape. Otherwise the stitches are healing well and the scar is looking ok. I think I’ll be happy with it when it’s all said and done. They are dissolvable stitches that I can still see in places. It can take a long time to dissolve (or be “spit out” according to what I’ve read).

I don’t have any pain except at night, mostly my underarms. Guess that comes with stretching those muscles back out as I can do more. I keep saying it feels like I have golf balls in my underarms, but it doesn’t look that way in the mirror.

Driving with the corset is uncomfortable. I had to loosen it today while I was in line to get my prescriptions. I didn’t wear it while I got my nails done because it’s quite obvious. But I felt the need to put it back on as soon as I got home.

I pulled out a bag today that Dona gave me that says, “Joy Is An Act of Resistance” to use on Thursday. I’ll include some sassy socks Allison Byers brought by yesterday. I’ll be sure to share photos of them. She brought a bunch of gifts from my co-workers.

Right now the plan is that Elsa will take me for first chemo because she’s having rotator cuff surgery before second chemo and will be unavailable for a while. I’m supposed to feel well enough to drive myself on Friday for the Neulasta shot. I’m also planning on working that day. I have a meeting set with my boss and can go through email, change my out-of-office message, etc. to prep for the days when I feel well enough to work. It’s weird thinking about work. Wondering what chemo brain will feel like (I feel air-headed enough as it is!).

Pippa and Millie continue to be the best babysitters. I think they are getting accustomed to visitors because it takes them less time to settle down now. Millie is getting groomed tomorrow because she got pretty knotted up wearing a sweater when it was colder. 

David’s husband is still quite ill. They are going to put in a new pacemaker next week. Fingers crossed it’s what he needs. Thank y’all for asking about them and keeping them in your prayers. And me too.