Where have I been?

The last 10-ish days have been some of the worst health-related days of my life. To be honest, I don’t know what I would do if I had to do more than “just” one more session. 

Early on, I told people, “I’m ok now, but I expect I’ll need help later.” Little did I know. I sent out an SOS message and my friends have rallied. Yesterday I had six people here cleaning, working in my yard and taking care of me. Today, two more. Tomorrow, two more are expected. And a calendar has been built to check in on me. Help me get the right food. Keep the house clean. So much coordination so fast. 

I am on a liquid diet right now. I don’t know yet if it’s working. I’ve cried from pain every day for a week. My sleep is terrible. So many wake ups. Bad dreams. It’s all restless. 

I’ve been thinking so much about my friend Lori, who died from cancer 10 years ago at age 50. She’d had chemo before. She was hesitant to go through it again. She followed a snake oil plan and when she changed her mind, traditional medicine couldn’t save her. I would get so angry at her when I’d think about it. She died the month before mom. And that broke mom’s heart. I was angry she didn’t fight. But now, I get it. She was in my life for such a short period of time, but she made a big impact.

Last week I went to soak in Alison’s bathtub. I cried for Lori. I cried for me. I felt like something inside me broke. When Lori’s cancer came back she shunned those of us who would’ve been against the snake oil path she took. I remember the last time I saw her vividly thinking, “Oh, she’s dying.” Then she left town without a goodbye and we never spoke again. 

I’m just seeing this as I write this. I’m choosing a different path from Lori. I’ve rallied my friends. I’ve told them I can’t do this without them. That, yes, I really want to quit (yes, I know it’s only one more treatment), but I won’t. I want to give myself the best chance possible to live as long as I can. 

And when this is done, I’m going to say YES. Yes to life and all it brings. Wanna go…YES. Wanna do…YES. 

Just know if I’m quiet it’s because I’m hurting. And hopefully healing. Thank you friends for helping me make it through.