Today

Has gone well. I had a headache this morning, but some Tylenol took care of it. I also went back to Start for my shot. I’ve been tired, I think because I haven’t slept well for several nights because of the steroids. It was a busy day at work.Yeah, that’s all I’ve got tonight. 

Oh, and I’m halfway done!

Just looking at my insurance claims:

Chemo - $1,768.86

Neulasta- $4,879.80

I’ve already met my deductible for the year, so it’s all covered. Even my oncologist co-pay. 

I’m home!

Had a good visit with Dr. Lang before chemo today. She says my side effects should be similar to the first treatment or even easier! 😮🤞 I’m praying that’s the outcome. I can handle a similar week-ish of symptoms. (Although I will whine about it the whole time.) Hopefully the mouth of death will be better! 

I’ve ordered a larger heating pad for the neulasta pain and now have a better schedule for alternating Tylenol and Advil. 

The chemo session itself is relatively uneventful. Today my hands hurt much worse than last time, but the ice gloves were gel this time instead of a block like last time. So they were easier to move. I’m hoping it helps limit the neuropathy and that it doesn’t spread. A woman sitting with her mom shared that her husband uses a spray-on magnesium that relieves his neuropathy, so I’ll be ordering some of that. 

I’ve got five more days of veg eating. Debbi (who was my driver and caretaker today) brought me an Asian stir fry I’ll have now. I’ll pick up my groceries later and make a veggie soup. Good thing I look soup. 

Chemo #2

 

Staff meeting

We had a staff meeting today. Not one of the eight other people said one thing about my bald head. 

Edited to add, one person texted me after: “Good to see you on the screen today! Owning it. Good luck with your chemo appt tomorrow!”

Pathology report

I went to Ulta and Whole Foods this morning to pick up a few things and then to HEB to get my grocery order. 

The young women who waited on me had a hard time looking me in the eye. But I can give them grace because they’re still learning how to do hard things. It’s also ok because I know I look badass.

I’m back on the veggie regimen, so I’m going to make a pot of soup today. 

I read through the pathology report on Friday. Again seeing how lucky I am it was caught when it was. If only I could thank that first radiologist who thought, “Hmmm…” I also learned the weight of The Rack. One was 3 lbs and the other was 3.3 lbs. 

So I did a thing

 

Today

 

*Not* sick

I used the word yesterday and didn't like it then, so I need to clarify that I don’t think of myself as sick. I’m not sick. I also don’t think I have cancer. I believe they got it all. And what I’m going through is just what I need to do to add years to my life. 

My perception is that other people will think I am sick when they see me bald. And that makes me feel vulnerable. 

I also had a bald theme roll through my head this morning that I can’t remember now. Something like Making Bald Bold. Bald Badass. A mantra of sorts. 

So, my hair

I’ve not been talking about it because, well, I know it’s hair related, but my head has started to hurt. It’s kind of like a headache, but not. And today, every time I run my hand through my hair, some comes out. (I know, quit doing that!)

Today is Day 12 post first chemo. “Two or three weeks” seems to be the average per Dr. Google of when hair starts to fall out. 

I read some threads in the group I belong to on FB. Losing your hair is a big deal to everyone. I thought I’d be no big deal about it, but I’m not. 

Part of me thinks the waiting is the hardest part about all of this and I should just shave it now. Part of me wants to hold on to it as long as I can because I know it will be a couple years before it’s this long again. 

I am not looking forward to how I will look. I don’t think I will look cute like a lot do. And now everyone who sees me will know I’m sick. The idea makes me feel more vulnerable in public.  

I feel like when the hair goes, the real grief and mourning about all this will begin. That the reminder of what is really happening will be my face in every mirror. That how well I’ve been handling this will all fall apart. 

“It’s not enough to survive: You have to live.”

I finished my Bridget Jones binge today with “Mad About the Boy.” I enjoyed my walk down memory lane. While sadder than the original three, I found the new movie was still sweet and hopeful. There was one scene that choked me up a little bit. It’s not enough to survive: You have to live. Obviously, I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. What does my life mean? What is my legacy? What am I doing to really live life? 

I’m not a good cook. I’m just not. I can follow a recipe exactly and it’ll be just ok. I made potato salad today since I’ve been craving it. I was hoping I could taste it. I winged it and used a little too much vinegar (forgot I was sizing down from the recipe). I was impatient and ate it warm. It tasted so good. I hope tomorrow it will be even better. I’d definitely make it again.

Yummy potato salad

Sunday

Original titles, huh?

So I continue to be relatively pain free. What a difference that makes in how one feels. 

I do still get twitches on my chest. Lots of nerve damage there that can take a year to heal. I have a lump on the left side that’s bothering me, so I’ve been trying to gently massage it. It’s about the size of the port. 

I’ve started to get nose bleeds, so I set up a humidifier yesterday. Hopefully that will help. I’m not sure what to set it at though. Hopefully it will help my skin too. 

Yes, my mouth still tastes like death. 

I’m doing brunch today with a couple of the Divas. It’ll be nice to get out and see some folks. Boredom and loneliness are a real deal. 

Saturday

The neulasta pain has finally abated. Yay!

My mouth still tastes like crap. I did have a bean and cheese with bacon taco that gave me hints of flavor, so maybe the taste buds will come back before the next session. 

I bought supplies to make potato salad (I’ve been craving it, so fingers crossed I can taste it), plus stuff for a turkey meatball wedding soup like soup. Yay for HEB curbside. 

I also grabbed some dog food and breath chews because Millie’s breath is worse than mine. 

I’m working my way through the Bridget Jones movies before I watch the new one. The third one is tomorrow. Thank goodness for TV or I’d be going bananas. 

I was able to read for the first time this year. The “Connie” biography. I’m sure I knew this, but last night was flabbergasted that she’s married to Maury Povich!

Friday

Something has died in my mouth. You know how when you have drainage and everything tastes bad? That’s where I am. 

I was so excited last night. I made some chili since it’s cold. Put some meat in. Took a Pepcid. Smelled so good. Tasted bleh. At least I’ll get some good protein with meat and beans. 

I’ve had to change my dental routine to a gentle toothpaste and mouthwash. That’s to help prevent mouth sores (the wash the other day worked). But even the roof of my mouth feels like it has a different texture to it.