Couple of good days

So apparently eating consistently can make one feel better. Imagine that! Actually, I’m hitting like every other day is a good day. Thursday was challenging. Friday was good. Yesterday I was exhausted. Today is better. Hope tomorrow is another good day. 

Mornings are the hardest

I wake up nauseous. And even though I took the anti nausea med over an hour ago, my belly still feels questionable. 

My eyes are still dry, so I wake up with crispies sometimes crusting them closed. They are a little blurry for a while. I use lubricating drops twice a day, and use a heat mask at night. I sleep with a mask and wear a cap inside to keep the ceiling fans from drying them more. 

Insert title here. Cause I don’t have one.

Yesterday was a rough day. I had some trauma caused by all my belly issues. Once I calmed down, I asked Elsa to come over and keep me company. We took a walk around the block. My legs were jelly after, but I need to start working on my strength. 

I called the oncologist and they have referred me to a gastroenterologist. Hopefully I’ll get an appointment pretty quickly. Elsa came back over this afternoon and we walked again. It takes a lot of effort. 

David and Kevin are in town to visit David’s mom for Mother’s Day. It was good to see them. Kevin is still struggling with his health. He’s very thin. His return to health will take time. I pray that his doctors can figure out his issues and are able to help him.

Every day is a different day

Friday and Saturday I did well eating, but today was a nauseous day. I tried to wait it out, but finally took a med. I was at the point of needing to eat and feeling wobbly. Each morning I don’t know what to expect. 

It’s like the minute I tell someone I’m feeling better or someone hears my voice and tells me how great I sound, my body revolts. It’s very frustrating having never been through something lasting this long. 

When this started, I thought I’d be ready to go back to work by May 10 (one month post final treatment). Really, the oncologist made it sound so simple and relatively easy. By the time I got the “every body reacts differently” speech, I was feeling rock bottom. 

I am not there. Mentally or physically. I’m still crying a lot. My therapist says it’s my body releasing everything I’ve been holding in as I didn’t have a lot of time to process from diagnosis to surgery to treatment to being sick. Oh, in addition to my doctor (since 1989) retiring next month, Saturday was possibly my last session with my therapist because she’s leaving the company Frost offers and my insurance isn’t open to new providers right now. So apparently there’s some grieving going on too. You know, in addition to the cancer and losing The Rack. 

It’s hard every time someone tells me, “you’re so strong” as I go through this. I don’t feel strong. I don’t have a choice. This is happening. I have to go through it. I feel weak. And whiney. I feel like I complain all the time. I’m in a place where I don’t feel like I have much to offer my friends. I’m tired. I don’t know how I can make myself get better faster. I’m so ready. 

Better day

I woke up about 4 am because my throat was burning. Like heartburn. So I took an anti nausea and Pepcid and raised my bed some. Went back to sleep, but still didn’t feel great when I woke up. Around lunch I had a piece of toast and it stuck, so I had a chicken leg a few hours later. I’m feeling pretty good about it. I’m definitely feeling better than I did yesterday. 

Today was my last day of intermittent FMLA leave, so I had to talk with HR about an extension. I need day-to-day still, plus PT goes into June and I have surgery on May 15 to remove the port. I was hoping to be back at work the week after next, but I don’t see that happening. I need to be able to finish full WFH days first! I’ve worked so little this last month that my boss had to reassure me my job is safe and my desk is waiting for me when we chatted last week. I’m grateful I have over 700 hours available still, but it’s time to be better already. 

Today is week three since my final treatment. I can eat whatever I want now!! 🤣🤣🤣 Before, I was craving pizza and sushi and spaghetti with meat sauce and a cheeseburger and my favorite bagel sandwich on Sundays. Heck, commercials for Subway were starting to look good. Now, I’m still food anxious. Besides, there are very few things that I can really taste, so I might as well wait, right?

One step forward…

Yesterday morning started with more vomiting. 

This morning started equally nauseous. But I had things to do.  I took the girls to the groomers. That was exhausting. My initial reaction when the groomer asked if I was ok was no, because of how I felt, but I explained I’m done with treatment and am healing.

Then I went for a fasting blood draw at my doctor’s office for a scheduled appointment next month. My last with her before she retires. Sob. I was a wreck. The phlebotomist was so kind and gentle. I can’t use my left arm with the good vein anymore. I’m just so emotional and weepy.

After that I went to get some mint tea that tasted terrible. My tastebuds are still so off. I’d brought a banana to eat. I was supposed to have PT two hours later, but didn’t want to drive home (even though it’s not that far). I parked in a nearby lot and while talking with Jill decided to go home and cancel my appointment. I’ve vomited in front of this woman, so I was feeling pretty bad.

I came home, took an anti nausea med, canceled my appointment and laid down. I slept for three hours, which I never do during the day. When I got up, I had some chicken noodle soup and sat for a while before going to pick up the dogs.

The groomer had made me a goodie basket and the techs helped me get the dogs in the car. We came home and I’ve been back in bed. I’m going to take more anti nausea and see if I can eat something later. I can’t get better without food.

March 24

Basically one month ago I started to get sick from a chemo side effect, just after my third treatment. I’m starting my fifth week of battling with that issue and then side effects from a medication for the side effect. It has been hard and miserable. I vomited six consecutive days (after having no nausea before). Last week I went in for fluids twice, saw the oncology nurse practitioner and a surgeon (about the side effect and related side effects). I looked so “haggard” the first day of fluids, a nurse told me the second day that she had prayed for me the night before. Thankfully, the fluids were a huge help and the surgeon shouldn’t be necessary. They called to schedule my port removal for Wednesday, but I didn’t think my body would be ready, so it’s been scheduled for May 15. Fingers crossed y’all. 

I can keep food down now, but I’m still fatigued (I guess I expected some fuel would power up my body faster), and I still have some internal issues to contend with. I’m trying to do everything I can to heal. If you pray, can you please include the healing of my body on your list?

An update

This week has been hard. I’ve had a continued medical issue for three weeks. I’ve vomited yesterday and today. Eating is confusing and hard. 

Thankfully the bone pain continues to be minimal for a second session. The first two times I needed meds every three or four hours to keep the pain under control. The neuropathy pings on occasion, but is also not too difficult to manage. My eyes need extra care for dryness. 

It’s hard feeling bad 100% of the time. I can only vaguely remember feeling really good after those first two sessions passed. It’s hard to be hopeful. I don’t know how people with chronic illness do it. 

I know it will get better, but expect it to be a few more weeks. It may include the involvement of a non-cancer doctor. My body is tired. My brain is tired. Everything is hard and I’m feeling broken. 

Stacy

 

My niece Stacy came in for my last chemo and to be with me when I rang the bell (tradition when you finish treatment).

I don’t often feel my mom around me. Today I wore one of her shirts and the ring I had made of her thumbprint. 

I can’t say I felt my mom was with me, but Stacy was and that meant the world to me. 

It was important to me to ring the bell in honor of mom and for me making it through and with the hope it closes the door on cancer for all the young women in my family. 

Stacy thank you for coming. I love you. 

A full update from chemo day

I had questions, Dr. Lang had answers!

I can have the port removed in three weeks! I just need to make an appointment with Dr. Elmi (mastectomy surgeon).

I will have follow-up visits every three months where they will draw blood for testing. 

I am considered “Ned,” meaning no evidence of disease. It’s similar to remission, but not. 

The fatigue, neuropathy and bone pain will linger two months. 

My immune system will be better in one month. I need to mask in public and not be around anyone who is sick or have sick family members. 

I should not have any problems with lymphedema and can travel without restrictions. 

I can have sushi and a bagel with lox in three weeks!

My current risk of recurrence is 5%! (Did I bury the lede?)

I rang the bell!

 

More PT

While I still struggle with one medical issue, I did have PT today. Which for me is more massage right now. It feels great. I wish it was more than once a week, but it’s just a slow process. 

Tomorrow is final chemo! I am ready to be done, but also afraid of how I’ll feel the next few weeks (based on these last three weeks).  🤞

Things to know about Triple Negative Breast Cancer (TNBC) per Chat GPT:

For triple negative breast cancer (TNBC), doctors are typically cautious about using the word “cured”—but here’s how they often frame it:

• TNBC has a higher risk of recurrence within the first three to five years, especially the first two.
• If you remain cancer-free beyond five years, the likelihood of recurrence drops significantly, and some oncologists may use the term “cured” informally at that point.
• Officially, most will say you’re in “remission” or “no evidence of disease” (NED), rather than cured.
• Long-term follow-up is still important, even after five years.

PT

I went in for my PT assessment today. 

The therapist said my dog ears feel like stones. I was like “Yes!” It was reassuring to hear a professional say that. She said with massages, laser and other techniques they should be able to break up the scar tissue. I have once weekly appointments for 12 weeks. It may not take that long. They sent me home with a couple exercises and recommended continued use of a heating pad. It’s crazy how fatigued my arms are from that session. 

A lovely lady sat next to me in the waiting room and said that her hair did exactly what mine is. Falling out on top, but not the back. I don’t even know that was happening until Vangie asked if I’d been trimming my hair. She had a very cute pixie cut that she said was three months long. Gave me hope!

Finally, PT!!

It’s taken six weeks, but I finally have PT scheduled for Thursday!!

Ok, this may make you roll your eyes, but I had an epiphany today. You know why I’m having so many issues this chemo time? BECAUSE I’VE HAD CHEMO!!!

I know, I know. Some of you have actually said this to me. Some maybe multiple times. But something Linda said to me today just triggered the lightbulb. 

I have been feeling so many emotions. SO MANY. But I’ve also been feeling like I haven’t done everything I could to take care of myself. That I have failed my body somehow. 

That’s obviously the reason. Not the whole poison-pumping-through-my-body thing. That maybe I could’ve done everything perfectly and, oh maybe, the chemo was/is stronger than me. 

Look at my brain working and everything. I must be starting to get better. Still worried about some body issues, but it’s a start.