The shit’s about to get real y'all

I feel like up until today I’ve been pretty surface about this process. I’ve decided that for me to fully document what’s happening, I’ve got to get a little more graphic. If this is not what you came for, now’s the time to tap out.

I just took a shower with Hibiclens. It’s a disinfectant of sorts. At 12:30pm, I will put lidocaine my left breast, focusing on my nipple, areola and one-half inch around the areola. Then I will wrap the area in saran wrap so it doesn’t soak into my bra.

I have an appointment at 2:30pm where they will insert a needle into the nipple to inject a radioactive dye that will spread to the sentinel lymph node. This is the closest node to the tumor and they will biopsy it to see if the cancer has spread to my lymph nodes. If it has, things get more complicated.

However, I have had an MRI that showed the lymph nodes were clear, so I am expecting that result.

Am I freaking out about this? Totally. I’ve been laying awake at night trying not to think about it. I’ve read mixed stories about people’s experiences. Some have had it done without lidocaine and had a horrific experience. Some had it done during surgery.

All total, the injection itself will only take a few minutes. It’s the waiting. And my imagination that are the worst parts.

I feel relatively calm today. Yesterday I had my first real mini-breakdown/panic attack in the afternoon. My first real What The Fuck?? I don’t want to do this!! crying session. And that was after therapy.

We talked about the reality of it. How at first I was using humor to deflect what I was feeling. Joking about having a “Bye-bye boobies bye-bye” party or having people compete for a “boobie prize” to guess the weight of The Rack.

Now, I’m a little more serious. I’m feeling the weight of it all. The surgery. Having a port put in. 

HR just called about my FMLA, so I’ve lost my train of thought. Perhaps more later.